Jealousy, Happiness or something else?

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Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start?  Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of.  I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more.  It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.

Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive.  Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.

Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV.  Did I mention more eating?

Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic.  It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out.  If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.

Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced.  One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married.  The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged.  The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks.  I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled.   Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy.  Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them.  My feelings haven’t changed.  They are all great guys, but not great for me.  So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.

Perhaps the real question here is:  Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch

I still continue to struggle with thinking of him.  The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me.  It will be 3 years soon.  When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments?  When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more.  I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again.  She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! :)

When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows?  That part of my life is over and done with.  There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments.  I am deserving of more and better.  I am deserving of always and forever.

The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle.  I am persistent and this war is not over yet.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Simply getting older or getting older simply?

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“There is not love of life without despair about life.” 
― Albert CamusThe Stranger

 This has been a surprisingly difficult post to write.   Turning 48 it is not all about cake and candles, it is all about being near 50.  Having another birthday shouldn’t be a big deal for ‘positive’ me, but yet I am facing a multitude of feelings and not all of them are good.  

All of a sudden there is this looming sense of dread, finality and mortality.  What have I done with all prior years? I have this fear of life escaping between my fingers while I daydream about it.  I fear wasting talent and good healthy years.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” 
― Marty Rubin

My mother is turning 79 in a couple of months and, even though she is a dynamo, is amazingly sharp and in great shape, I see the years in her.  And I see myself in her. When did she get old?

This post was totally different and way too long and contemplative of the past that I cannot change.  I have made mistakes, took turns when I should have gone straight, jumped head first when I should have tiptoed in, but still there is a sense of pride in doing life as I want and not as others expect.  There is beauty in following my heart! I will relish on that!

“Youth is wasted on the young.”― Oscar Wilde

So good bye long post, the whole message in this post is only 2 lines.  It is dedicated to my twin sister (who has been in the receiving end of a lot of criticism lately).  No long lists that I never look back at.  Just 2 lines that will improve my life and my years.

  • More water, sleep and exercise.  Less mindless eating.
  • More patience and listening.  Less reaction and criticism.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” ― Marty Rubin

I will make myself accountable by being in the moment and keeping close attention to my actions.  Progress will be met with rewards (foot massages here I come!!) Failures, well there is not failure in trying my best!

 “Mortal as I am, I know that I am born for a day. But when I follow at my pleasure the serried multitude of the stars in their circular course, my feet no longer touch the earth.” ― Ptolemy

Back to my waiting life!

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“Old places fire the internal weather of our pasts. The mild winds, aching calms, and hard storms of forgotten emotions return to us when we return to the spots where they happened.” ― Siri HustvedtThe Sorrows of an American

I returned from Brazil 2 days ago.  In some instances it feels I have never left the US, in others it feels like I was away for years.  I am blessed to be a citizen of two countries, but at times I feel I belong in neither. I love taking time away and being with my family but I am happy to return as I cannot stay away from my routine for too long.   Is it the fear that things will fall apart in my absence? Or perhaps the opposite, the realization that all progresses very well in my absence?  I think it is a matter of being a control freak. I always come back renewed and hungry to improve in all areas of my life. I got use this momentum to get moving in the things I want to accomplish.

“Be genuinely interested in everyone you meet and everyone you meet will be genuinely interested in you” ― Rasheed Ogunlaru

A couple of highlights from last week: I met very interesting people at the airport.  (I will talk to anyone that makes eye contact :-) ) I met a young entrepreneur from Liechtenstein building a business that empowers women affected by human trafficking.  I will write more about him and his business as I learn more.  He introduced me to 2 women and a man from the Masai tribe in Tanzania.  They all had come to attend events celebrating The International Women’s Day at the United Nations in NY.  The 2 women spoke no English other than a couple of words.  The language barrier was replaced with smiles.  Later I was able to get M. (also from Tanzania and attending the event, but not from the tribe) to translate.  The two women from the tribe were shocked to find out I was not married and have no kids. One commented that I must have turned down many marriage offers.   G., one of the women said that she is sure God will send me a child as she made some gestures towards the sky.  I joked that I need a husband first.  It seems I am an anomaly in any culture or anywhere in the world.  Be it in the US or Tanzania, to be in my late 40s, never married and have no kids is shocking!

“Each person you meet is an aspect of yourself, clamoring for love.”  ― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

Meeting them was awesome for so many reasons! It renews my love of different cultures and this dream of travelling the word.  They were eager to invite me to visit them.  In that way they are like Brazilians; our doors are always open to new friends.  This chance encounter also reignited my volunteer flame. To me education for all girls, actually boys too, as well as men and women, especially in impoverished countries, is the key to a better future for all.  Knowledge brings empowerment. I have to find a way to do my part.

“To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected” ― Luke 12:48

Being with my family is always a blast! We don’t always agree on everything, but whatever disagreements we have are normally out of too much love.   We eat, we laugh, we eat some more.  Who knew just one week could do so much damage to my waistline?  It is great to see that mom and dad are doing well! Dad has completely won his cancer battle! My brother and sister are thriving professionally with great plans towards the future.  To me happy people make plans.  Any time someone has plans to look forward to it, it shows their hope for the future.  Hope is the best thing a person can have, I cannot ask for anything else for them. My dad was always a homebody, which only got worse after he amputated his right leg, so it is great to see him getting out a bit more.  Lately, whenever I am in Brazil he agrees to spend one afternoon at the pool house and also to go to brunch at a winery.

“Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other.”  ― Carol Saline

One low moment,  realizing that my sister and I get along better from a distance.  On the phone we rarely have disagreements, in person we get so critical and so defensive that at times we were unable to have a conversation.  I guess it has to do with expecting the best from each other, knowing what our potentials are and expecting more.   I am sure being identical twins contribute to that.  Anything I said seemed to spark defensiveness. Perhaps I should not call this a low moment but a huge opportunity.  An opportunity for more communication, more acceptance, more love and more self-awareness and self-reflection.  I need to look in the mirror, as I am sure that which I find fault in her is what I am guilt of. The best thing is feeling loved and well received and that is clear to see from all of them!  I am blessed with a great family!

“I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” – Steve Maraboli 

I am leaving on a jet plane

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Before I get to the actual post, I have to give you all an update on my last post.  Mr. Strikeout has called me again this morning.  I didn’t answer.  Then he sent the following email (exactly as he sent, I just copied and pasted):

“I don`t know even if you`ll open this email. I want to apologize of my decision. No I don`t want to stop seeing you but when I was left in your doorway you seem to just disappear.
Thought you would invite me up just to share a strawberry with you. I try to do somethings for you beside dinner each time. I wasn`t looking to sleep with you. I wanted to put my arms around and tell you I`ll be thinking of you and yes miss you. Thought I might hear something similar. Didn`t happen By the time I reach North St.I thought I might not even hear from you again. You`ll disagree.
I look at you at dinner and each time your more beautiful and most times i tell you that.Sometimes I feel like were having a corporate lunch.
I read and heard “never talk about last dates and lovers. 
The 5 Day Man maybe think I was next. I just got the KISSES.
When you text “Shocked” that`s the most excited I made you.
I could`nt sleep just thinking of you. Life.
Have a great time in Brazil and with Mom.”
Clearly we were and are on different pages! I don’t want to ignore him and hurt him, but at the same time there is no use in beating a dead horse.  I am thinking that he should be happy with kisses and clearly he doesn’t think that is enough.   He wants to go fast and I want slow, he is not able to understand that. I am not replying. We are done!
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“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”  ― Ernest Hemingway
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Now to today’s post:

I love airports, bus and train terminals!  There is something very mysterious about airports, train stations and bus stations.

I look around and I try to guess the stories behind each face.  Are they leaving someone they love or are they running to someone they love? or perhaps toan adventure? business?

Are they leaving when they want to stay? Are they arriving when they never wanted to come in the first place?  Is there somebody waiting?

Are they running away from something or are they running towards something?

In my thoughts everyone is going to a better place, a better life.  Everyone is being transported to their future!

Every day I am just another face at Grand Central Station in a hurry to get to work.

Tonight I will be just another face with a story at JFK.  I am going to see my family in Brazil.  This is a trip that I take twice a year, so it is familiar and some times taken for granted (sad to say).  I love to go and I love to come back, so it is all good.  Smiles all around.

Reminding myself how blessed I am! I am a citizen of two countries.  I have an awesome family waiting to embrace me!  I have a great job waiting for my return!  I have passion in my soul, curiosity in my mind and love in my heart.  I am blessed and I know it!

I sit here and breath the enormity of this actual second and I say: Thank you God!

This video doesn’t really fit, but I like it! :-)

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“Not all those who wander are lost.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien

Third time is not the charm!

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“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” ― Paulo Coelho

I have just returned from the third date with the guy I have mentioned on the previous post.

The date went great or so I thought.  We went to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my home.  This time he surprised me with chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva. He brought me flowers on dates 1 and 2 but because I am flying to Brazil tomorrow he realized flowers weren’t a good idea this time.  (He owns a flower shop)

We joked, laughed and flirted. There was no shortage of conversation during the dinner.  Then he drove me home, which was just 2 blocks away.  He parked at my door and somehow the conversation gets to the point when he says he wishes he could come into my apartment and give me a proper kiss and not kiss me in the car. My response:  oh well, that is not going to happen.  I explained yet again that I am not going to fall in bed with the first guy that I have sparks with and the first guy that buys me dinner.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” 
― Alexander Pope

(I am not thinking that every guy that walks into my apartment is interested in sex or that sex is a given.  I have had potential dates in my apartment before.  But in this case I know exactly what this person wants and I know that I would have to spend the entire evening saying no.  Plus I don’t really feel I know him enough to invite him in)

Of course he goes into that speech that I know too well: “nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen, I will leave anytime you want, etc, etc”  I remained firm.

He said something to the fact that he wasn’t doing anything right.  I told him how surprised I was that he would not realize that just the fact of getting a third date is a huge sign that things were going well. 

“Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage.” ― Thucydides

We got out of the car and he walked me to my door and kissed good night.  As I walked towards the elevator I knew things wouldn’t progress with him.

Five minutes after I am inside my apartment he texts me and I quote: “I feel like the guy with the 5 dates and no kiss.  Maybe we should end it at 3.  Always had the best time! Thanks!”

(I had mentioned to him that awhile back I had met someone that was great and I kept going on dates trying to give chemistry a chance but it never worked, so  that is why now if there is not a hint of chemistry on the first date, I never go on a second)

My honest reaction to his text?  First and foremost relief! I was not sure about him, first for the fact of the little age discrepancy.  Second I was starting to feel pressured about going beyond kissing.  Third,  I was offended that he would use something I told him against me. Last, but not least, he could have said how he felt face to face and not in text.

I texted back: “Shocked!  But I respect how you feel”

He replied:”You don’t know how I feel so don’t respect it. Sweet dreams.”

I thought that was just rude and didn’t reply. Why should we go back on forth on text when I had already explained how I feel many times before.

Five minutes later he calls.  I didn’t answer the phone and I will not answer if he calls again.  He did not leave a message. What is there to say?  It seems like game playing to me.  This man is 62 years old and is acting like some insecure 15 year old, or perhaps he thinks that he can talk me into fast forwarding this relationship.  Whatever he thinks he is doing it is not appealing to me.  Did he want me to keep telling him how nice he was?  Did he think that this type of text will make me want him more and I was going to try to change his mind?

I don’t have a time frame to go beyond kissing, but I will not invite anybody into my apartment until I am comfortable with that person.  If a date cannot accept and respect my feelings in regards to that then he is not for me.

No, I don’t think I am such a great prize, but this is my body and I want to treat it with respect.  Also, my apartment is my safe haven and not a place that is open to everyone.  At this point in my life I don’t want to jump into anything.  I want to go slow and steady and not crash and burn.

I don’t feel I owe any explanation to anyone. You are not happy with my way, then don’t stick around.  I am happy he chose to go now, rather than later.  It saved us both time.

oh well, Next!

(I don’t like using the f word, but Tupac put things so well, I am making an exception)
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” ― Tupac Shakur

When is a lie a lie?

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“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.” - ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

The last few days I have been wrestling with that question:  When is a lie a lie?

To me there is really no gray area.  If someone withholds the truth then he/she is lying.  Not only it is a lie, but it is also an enormous lack of respect.  Does the person think I am not deserving of the truth?  Or perhaps he/she thinks I cannot handle the truth?

But upon further thinking, I have fudged the truth in the past to protect the innocent or not to worry someone needlessly, such as when my mother asks me if everything is fine and even though all is not well I tell her it is because I know she will go insane with worry.

But when even before getting to know someone the person hides the truth makes me feel weird. It seems we are starting with a lie.  What else is he hiding?  Let me explain:

I went on a date with someone on Friday night.  His age on his profile was listed at 51.   In reality he is turning 62 in 2 months.

We hadn’t spoken on the phone before meeting but we had exchanged many emails so I feel he had plenty of chance to come clean and he didn’t.  He could have told me when we first met, again he did not.  He only told me when I asked.  I am not even sure why I asked, because he doesn’t look that age.

“One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.” ― Al David

Many people shave a few years off of their age in their profiles.  Some say they do that because they look and feel younger for their age.  Others say they put in the wrong date originally and then they cannot change it.  Whatever the excuse maybe,  to me it is just that, an excuse.

With all that being said I am going to dinner with him again tonight!

I would normally dismiss him for that reason alone but I am trying to be more open-minded and not too judgmental of people.  I also think that people deserve a second changed, so I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.   I would hate for somebody to dismiss me for some stupid reason and not give me a second chance.

Also I had a great time on the date.  He was a gentleman and it felt like I was having dinner with an old friend.

But, there is always a “but”, can I get over the fact that he hid that little detail from me.  At this point I question if he is hiding anything else.  Can I ever trust him?

Am I making a big deal of it and trying, again, to sabotage a potential relationship.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” - ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Now the other, and perhaps, more important question is, am I going to be okay with the age difference?  I am going to be 48 at the end of the month but I do look much younger.  I usually say that I am 47, look like I am 37, act like I am 27 and feel like 17.

But really, is age just a number?

Can I handle the age difference?  He doesn’t look or act like he is older than me. The funny thing is that the last person I briefly dated, actually dated is not the right word, we went out several times but decided that being friends was a better idea, well he is 32.

It is just funny to go from 32 to 62 – wow, it sounds ridiculous even to me!!!  I need to find someone my own age!!

Also one think I crave in a man is confidence! Lying about age sounds like insecurity.  Perhaps I find more acceptable for a woman to lie about her age than for men to do it.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”-  Lucille Ball

Why I bother with online dating

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” 
― C.G. Jung

Last night I went to dinner with a friend.  I was telling her all about my adventures and misadventures with online dating. She thinks dating online is an absolute waste of time and she has no patience for it.  Even though we agree that we have different views on the subject, for some reason I found myself defending online dating.

It got me thinking on the reasons why I do online dating.  The main reason of course it that I want to find someone to share my wonderful life with, but it is more than that.

1.  I still believe that there is someone out there for me and I am not willing to let go of that idea.  I still believe in love.   I don’t know where this person is and I don’t know when it will happen, but it will.  That I know for sure!

2. I believe in being pro-active.   I don’t like putting all my faith into fate!  The idea of sitting on my hands and waiting for someone to knock on my door doesn’t suit me well.  Putting myself out there makes me feel empowered.

“Nothing in this world was more difficult than love.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

3. It forces me to get out of the house and socialize.  I love staying at home and most of the time I rather stay home than go out.  The few friends I have are often busy.   I am becoming a hermit.  Dating gives me a reason to get dressed up and out there in the world. I find it fun getting ready, getting dolled up and dressed up, and a date is a good excuse for it.

4.  I am able to meet people that I don’t normally encounter on my day to day.   I see people on the train and on my walk to work, but no chance to talk and get to know anyone. Online I have met all kinds, and I enjoy the diversity.

5.  Gives me great knowledge on men, people in general. I am becoming a connoisseur of people.  Some men amaze me, some disgust me, some make me want to get a dog, some renew my faith in mankind.  But they all make me rejoice in the beauty of the details that make each one of us unique.

“When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.” 
― Joshua Harris

6. Gives me great knowledge into myself.  With each experience, good and bad, I learn about myself as I deal with the aftermath of a potential encounter, from hopefulness and happiness to rejection and disappointment. I am also getting great insight in the type of partner I want and need.  Perhaps it makes me more selective, but I don’t see a problem with that.

7. I operate under the premise that I am normal, heck, I am better than normal I am a terrific human being, and chances are I am not the only one in the dating site. There is got to be at least a few more.  I know I will end up attracting them, well only one will do.

“A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.” ― Mae West

8.  It is better than a bar.  I don’t have to drink, it can be free, you can check out people as much as you want. You can Google their information and sometimes get a whole background on them.  Some times I feel like a detective and I like it.  I can normally spot a scammer miles away.

9.  I get to learn how to deal with rejection and develop a thicker skin.  On the rare instance that I hear something that has the potential to hurt me, I think to myself: Consider the source!  I also know that if people feel the need to insult or hurt is because they are hurting themselves and therefore they deserve my compassion.  I don’t dwell on the negative.

I don’t know how long I will feel the way I feel, but for now online dating for me is harmless entertainment.  I feel I do it smart and fair.  If I meet somebody special it will be awesome, if I don’t it is okay too!  I made friends and I have stories to tell.  This is another way in which I think that I am choosing to live my life and not letting life pass me by.

“I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”   William Ernest HenleyInvictus

Who knew I could be creative?

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“The chief enemy of creativity is good sense.” ― Pablo Picasso

I still continue to try my hand at mosaics.  Below are my last two works.

This one I call Nativity.  It is my idea of a Nativity scene and I love it.   I made it out pieces of a broken cookie jar and a broken mug.  It is 11.5 x 8 inches.

Nativity as I see it!

Nativity as I see it!

“Creativity takes courage. ”  ― Henri Matisse

This one I named Butterflies and Flowers.   It is 24 x 20 inches.   I made it using different glass stones that I got at the 99 cent store.  I had originally named it Butterflies, but when I was done a friend came over and when he saw it he asked: Are those butterflies or flowers?

Flowers and Butterflies

Flowers and Butterflies

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”
― Albert Einstein

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

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Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

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“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami

Lessons a mountain taught me!

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

For some reason this Valentine’s Day is not bothering me as others have.  Being single and alone is very comfortable and welcoming right now.  I am enjoying and rejoicing in it.  I am sufficient, I am enough – amazing discovery!

With that being said I continue to put myself out there and go on dates.  I had a weird experience tonight that I will describe in a next blog.

Also, of course Ex had to send me a text wishing me Happy Valentine’s Day.  I will discuss my feelings about it also in that next blog.

Remember to say I love you to the important people in your life, not only with words but with actions.

***

Which route to take?

Lessons on a mountain! Choosing the right route for me!

“You always need to work hard. You always need to be willing to work hard. Not everything will be hard, but you should, at the very least, be willing to work hard.” ― Tom GiaquintoBe A Good Human

I embarked on my skiing trip to Whistler so confident that I almost had to buy two seats in the plane to fit me and my ego.  I thought I would get there and just magically be skiing blue trails.

On the first day I decided to go on a blue trail and realized I was biting more than I could chew, so I decided to get back to greens until my lessons the following days.

On the second and third days I had lessons with an instructor I didn’t care for. I thought he was a bit lazy and since I was the best one in the group I didn’t feel challenged. I thought the group was dragging me down.  I had a bad internal attitude even though externally I was being agreeable and happy.

On the 4th day I had an instructor that was great.  He challenged us and paid attention to what each one of us was doing.  I was having so much fun. Then all of a sudden things changed.  I cannot pinpoint the exact moment things changed.  But all of a sudden there were voices of doubt in my head.  They kept getting louder and louder.  My legs stopped listening to me.  I was suddenly the slowest, and the most scared of the group.  I went from full confidence skiing greens and even blues in the morning to complete self-doubt in the afternoon.

In the afternoon I fell twice.  I don’t have a problem with falling, I welcome it as a sign that I am taking chances. Except that was not the case this time.  I didn’t lose my confidence because I fell, I fell because I lost my confidence.  I became scared and started playing safe and not trusting my abilities.

The more I look back the more confused I get with what happened to me. I don’t have a reason for it other then to say that there were lessons I needed to learn.

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” ― Rumi,

On the last day, fear had consumed me so much that I was now completely scared of greens.  But I forced myself to continue trying even though I was now on the easiest green they have, where beginners start.

The whole time I am battling my mind I am thinking of ways to stop it. I am asking for help from God, from the Light, I am trying to talk myself out of this paralysis I find myself in.  I am trying not to think of how dangerous the sport can be, because right now my mind has me thinking of even death.  Then came the inevitable thought of quitting. Why do I need to continue to subject myself to this? What do I have to prove? And to whom?

I am no quitter! I have nothing to prove, but I never quit anything just because it was difficult. If anything difficulties make me want it even more.  This is merely a roadblock, a distraction from my main goal. I know better than to quit over a minor setback.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”
 Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

There are many lessons here and I wish I knew what they all were, but for now this is what I am taking from it:

- Focus on myself. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t like about the first instructor and in the progress of the other students I should have focused on my progress.  Focusing on the instructors made me negative and slowly corrupted my mind.

- Don’t judge and compare others. I kept comparing the first instructor with an awesome instructor I had in Colorado. Instead I should have been trying to learn and asking questions. He is an instructor for a reason, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance.

-Don’t compare yourself to others and think you are better or worse than they are. I was too busy comparing myself to the others in the group instead of watching my progress or lack of it.  In the first group I considered myself the best, in the second I became the worst, but none of that should have mattered. It is not a competition!

-Don’t pretend to be happy and go with the flow if you have an option.  I didn’t have to have same instructor on 2 straight days.  I could and should have asked for another one. Trying to be agreeable is not always a good thing.

- Fear doesn’t have to be my enemy!  Having a bit of fear and respect of nature and also an understanding of my abilities is a good thing if it means that it keeps me safe and from putting myself in unnecessary dangerous situations.

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.” ― Rumi

- Don’t be overconfident.  Don’t be so full of yourself that you will misjudge your own abilities.  Don’t expect progress when you don’t even know how your body will behave on a certain day and under certain conditions. Take things as they come, welcoming progress and learning from setbacks.

- Manage your expectations well.  Be careful with expectations. Remember about always doing your best, but know that that your best changes.  The conditions made all the runs difficult so I should have expected my performance to suffer and should have managed my expectations accordingly.

- Think of why you are doing something to begin with. I am skiing because is both challenging and fun. I should welcome challenging days as a huge opportunity for growth. I love it ski, I look forward to it.  I don’t care how cold, how uncomfortable, how tired I am, I wish I was on a mountain right now.

- Life needs balance and it is all about balance.  Self esteem needs balance.  I am not the best or worst, I am my best/worst as I decide to be. I should strive for balance.  Thinking highly of myself is mostly a good thing, but not when it blinds me to everything else, or when I consider myself superior to others.

“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You…Be Free…Share.” 
― Steve Maraboli

I am determined not to let that fear interfere with my future.  I didn’t recognize that person on the mountain! Finding out I have an insecure, unsure, fearful side was not pleasant, but I am sure it was for the best.  I think this minor setback will make me stronger in the long run.  Things that are easy acquired have no value; they are easily taken for granted.  Being a good, comfortable skier is my aim and it will taste that much sweeter when I attain it.  And I know I will, it is just a matter of when.  I am not giving up.  If anything, I am more enthusiastic about getting better.  Each mountain is a lesson.

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.” ― Ellen DeGeneres

At the end of the day I am glad for having experienced different feelings in my head and different conditions on the mountain. For some reason, my head took over and my heart went silent, while that is never the case in my life. Note to self: strive for balance of heart and mind.

And here is something that I know for sure: I am a flawed human, and yet I am wonderfully perfect!

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