Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start? Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of. I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more. It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.
Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive. Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.
Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV. Did I mention more eating?
Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic. It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out. If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.
Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced. One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married. The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged. The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks. I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.
I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled. Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy. Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them. My feelings haven’t changed. They are all great guys, but not great for me. So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.
Perhaps the real question here is: Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?
“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch
I still continue to struggle with thinking of him. The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me. It will be 3 years soon. When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments? When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more. I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again. She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! :)
When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows? That part of my life is over and done with. There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments. I am deserving of more and better. I am deserving of always and forever.
The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle. I am persistent and this war is not over yet.
“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche