This is my 100th post, and I wanted to make it special and full of happiness. So I have been writing and writing, and my writing got out of control. That post is now too long and still not finished; and I haven’t posted anything in one week. So I decided to table all of that for now and just summarize the past few months and where I am right now.
(Well this is pretty long too, but trust me it is short compared to the one I didn’t post – lol)
October 2011. My then boyfriend turns 50 years old and everything changes. There are signs that he is not being honest about things. I will leave the details out for the sake of brevity. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I keep hoping that for the first time in my life my instincts are incorrect.
November 2011. I confront him about a certain e-mail from a certain lady and he goes on silence and denial mode. When he decides to talk is to ask me to move out because he needs to be single to concentrate on his multiple businesses. Yeah, right!
December 2011. We still go on vacation together because I am still trying to change his mind. At the same time I find and buy an apartment, the closing is scheduled for January.
January 2012. I close on the apartment and move out. I still continue to see him and yes, unfortunately, be intimate with him. I am still fooling myself into thinking that he is going to change his mind. It is amazing the lies we tell ourselves.
February 2012. I am still crying every single day and the pain at times seems unbearable. I count the hours til I am going to see him next. He still will not come clean on the things that he is doing. I continue to lie to myself. He still says he loves me more than anything in life, but the timing is not right.
March 2012. I start this blog. I realize that calling my sister 10 times a day every single day needs to stop. She worries about my mental health. I don’t like worrying her.
April 2012. He plans for both of our mother’s to be here at the same time. For 2 weeks I move back in and we are a big happy family. ( yeah, you can roll your eyes, what was I thinking?) On the last day of the 2 weeks truth stares me in the face and I cannot pretend I don’t see it any longer (again to keep this brief will leave details out). I realize right then and there that there will never be a “us” again. It is time for me to face my new reality. I say good bye to the house, to C the dog, knowing in my heart that I will never see either one ever again.
May and June 2012. I am in love with my blog, it gives me strength. Ex is still calling and texting and I am being polite and friendly and entertaining the idea that he and I can be good friends. I ask him to stop inviting me to dinner and trips. I slowly realize that being friends with him at this point is not an option for me.
July 10th 2012. He e-mails about a trip he had invited me previously and I had declined. I decide that I need to stop this insanity. Every time I hear from me the wound opens up again. I have to cut all contact. I have to stop leaving the door open. So I ask him to not contact me in any way, shape or form. He replies that he is sad about that, but he will try to comply.
He didn’t try very hard…
July 13, 2012. He texts to tell me that this lecturer and author of books regarding “Understanding Men”(I won’t name her because I just don’t know how I feel about her work) has helped him understand what has gone on with us and asking if I want we can talk about it some time.
I get so angry when I read that. Tears start rolling down my face. This time the tears are physically painful, they feel heavy and hot, it feels like blood is running down my face. I run to look at the mirror to make sure it is not. Very weird, but very fitting I believe. This pain is also different.
This pain is not over wanting him back, or over what I thought we had in the past. This pain is over the fact that he doesn’t respect me. This pain is over the fact that he is still trying to manipulate me. This pain is over his game playing. This pain is the acknowledgment that he has no idea of what love is.
After I spent the past 9 months begging (yes begging, it is amazing how low we can go when we think we are fighting for love) him to talk to me about what happened, asking him to give me a reason, he now wants to talk about it.
I am not sure what he is trying to do and I don’t care. Of course I didn’t reply and I will not reply to him ever again. I don’t care anymore to know the reasons why he did what he did. There is not a single reason in the world that would make a difference at this point. I am not even curious about what he learned. It is probably just his ego making a last attempt to get to me and keep me close by, within in reach.
Leave me alone. Let me heal in peace. Let me glue the pieces together as best as I can. I am so at peace right now. At peace with not wanting contact. At peace with not replying. At peace with being alone. At peace with life. At peace with just being and living and breathing one second at a time.
I think I can safely say, no, not just say, scream at the top of my lungs, that I over him. Do I still love him? I guess in a way love never dies, it changes. I think that once someone enters my heart they never leave. I will never hate him. I don’t like the things he did, but still I wish him happiness and love. I still pray for his well-being. I can have him in my heart but I don’t have to have him in my life.
New Friend/New love. I have made a long distance friend and we speak daily on the phone. It is somewhat funny that someone that I have known for only a couple of months already means this much to me. When I was describing our relationship to a friend yesterday I said: we are friends on steroids. It seems that just friends doesn’t fairly describe it but there is no other word. And yet we never met and right at this moment I cannot tell you if we ever will. This has been an exercise in much needed patience. If it were up to me, I would have met him yesterday. He wants to exercise caution and go slow. So for now I am learning to enjoy the moment and the newness of what comes next without too much planning. It is exhilarating to realize that my heart is alive and ready to try again.
Past Life. So in the past several months I have lost a life that consisted of living in a big house with pool, tennis court, dog, and a bunch of other stuff that money can buy. I also lost companionship and what I thought was an everlasting love.
I never cared about material stuff, so the house, pool, tennis court, etc were all nice to have had but I haven’t spend a second missing it. The dog is another story. I miss C on a daily basis, I see his face on other dogs. Sometimes I hear his bark. I cry and pray for him.
Current Life. I love my new small apartment. It is easy to maintain. I have water views and the location is great. I have a beach a can go to. I have a permit to use the town’s tennis courts and I enjoy and play with every dog I meet. Companionship will come, and for now a voice on the phone will do. I am cherishing love in different ways, such as being kind to people and accepting their kindness. I am open to new things and new friends.
- Blog. I am so proud that I have started and kept it up with.
- Tennis. I am taking lessons and progressing beautifully according to my instructor. I love it, love it!
-Pilates. I am glad I am investing on my body. It is money well spent! It is painful at times but I see muscles beginning to develop and I am falling in love with my body.
-French. I cannot afford lessons at this time, so I have bought the Pieumsler Method and have been learning on my own. I am not as disciplined with the lessons as I would like but still I can already ask someone if they want to have dinner or a drink with me. As a single girl this could come in handy if I meet a non-English speaking Frenchman. Hey, you never know!
-Mosaic. I have not been able to find a class in NY. Unbelievable, right? I found a workshop that has put me on a waiting list. I started one picture frame project and will soon show you the result.
-Skiing. I am now the happy member of a skiing club out of Washington, DC, and my first skiing trip is already scheduled. I will be going to Snowmass, CO in February! I am so excited that I thinking I am going to go shopping for skiing boots.
-Volunteerism. I am ashamed to say that that has fallen to the waste-side. After encountering some red tape at the Hospital, the Friend of the Library not calling me back and the Tennis Association no needing anybody at this time, I became discouraged. But I am renewing my motivation to find someplace where I can help and hopefully soon will have news on this front.
Life is unbelievably great! I am so blessed to be single and free at this time! My time is my own to do as I please!
I am not even caring if I cry or not over Ex. There are no deadlines for the tears to stop flowing, let them flow if they come. I know Ex will never be a part of my life again and I am finally at peace with that.
Still I must thank him for all he has done for me, good and bad. I was treated like a princess for a couple of years. He introduced me to things I now love: tennis, skiing and football.
I must thank him also for the pain. The pain allowed me to look inwards and grown. Were not for the pain, there would not be a blog.
I must also look in the mirror and acknowledge that I have had a part in the demise of the relationship. I am not sure exactly what my part was, but I must stop and look at how I showed up for the relationship. I am quick to point out what he did wrong, but I chose him. I kept making excuses and allowing the disrespect to continue. There is a lot to be learned here, and hopefully as distance and time sets in I will be able to see things clearly.
In this pain I pray more and get reacquainted with God.
So for now I thank YOU, the reader, for reading about my life, for giving me your opinion, for being a like in my page. I thank you for your blog that at times has made cry, laugh. You have sparked my curiosity and inspired me.
I am so grateful to God and the Universe for all that has come my way, good and bad. I welcome all and try to learn all that I can. I know that the bad will not last so I try to let it come and go as it may. I know that the good never lasts either so I try to enjoy it the most that I can. As life ebbs and flows I keep reinventing myself and falling more and more in love with me. I love this 46 year old body that it is so amazing and able. Last night looking in the mirror in the Zumba class I saw this hot Brazilian girl with a cute smile and sassy confidence staring back at me. I smiled back at her and made her a promise to never allow anyone to treat her less than the princess she deserves to be treated.
(all images from google images)